Fingering Baptist Church

Fingering Baptist Fund authorised edition Holy Bible version 6 out now.

Here at Fingering Baptist Fund we know how important The Bible is to all of God’s children. We also know that to have the best chance of getting into heaven, you need to obey its rules and understand its teaching. That’s why we believe version 6 of our authorised edition Holy Bible is the best version yet.
We’ve added three new books (Gary, Dave and Ian), removed some of those tricky to keep promises and modified eight out of ten commandments to better suit the complicated needs of the modern child of God.
All this work has been done with the complete cooperation of the son of man himself, Jesus Christ of Nazereth, who channels his wishes through his specially selected team of modern day prophets here at Fingering Baptist Fund.
We think Holy Bible version 6 will make it easier for His children to conduct affairs in the modern world, discipline their children, understand what sexual behaviours are permitted in the house of the Lord and to make sense of what religious denominations God really likes. It also puts to bed the age old question of the Holy Trinity.
Grab your copy now from the Baptist Fund online store for the special introductory price of £49.99

Hallelujah
Rev. Hands

Getting to know our leadership team: Deacon Beacon

Dick Beacon, or as some of you will know him Deacon Dick, has been a Fingering boy all his life.
Born on the same day as the Chernobyl nuclear accident, Dick grew up in the village and attended Fingering Boys School until 2004 when he left to go travelling in Thailand. After spending many years there ministering to the locals and performing charity work, Dick had to leave Thailand in a hurry after an unfortunate mixup involving a school football team and a communication error.

Deacon Beacon ministers to a passing motorist on Fingering common.

Arriving back in Fingering, Dick managed to avoid extradition due to his close links to the Baptist Fund legal department and the incredible love and forgiveness of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Deacon Beacon has been one of the great visionary members of the leadership team. He was the first church elder to conduct his ministry on Fingering common in the early hours of the morning, and as a result brought many souls to Christ who would have otherwise slipped through the net. He was also the first elder to experiment with hallucinogenics while filled with the Holy Spirit and as a result has experienced many personal encounters with our Lord Jesus, during which the Son of God was able to use Deacon Beacon as an instrument for His heavenly vision of Fingering.

Deacon Beacon has never been married, saying he is too committed to Christ and the bachelor lifestyle to consider settling down, and he lives with his mother in his childhood home in the village.
Due to travelling restrictions Deacon Beacon is unable to leave the country, so can often be found leading the praise and worship and delivering the Sunday sermon when Rev. Hands and Deacon Bender are carrying out their regular missionary work in Amsterdam.

In his spare time Deacon Beacon likes Hard House music, weight lifting and reading the Bible.

Fingering Apocalypse 2016: An apology.

The Baptist Fund would like to apologise for last night’s misunderstanding regarding the unexpected Second Coming of Christ. This was caused by a badly communicated message from the leadership team which reported claims of Demonic Possession among the residents of Fingering. As it transpired, the reported cases turned out to be nothing more serious than a localised bout of food poisoning.

There was some good news however. Although the second coming of the son of man did not occur as expected, we did see the glory of a few souls being called up to heaven to sit on high with the Lord. Namely Mrs Rasper, who fell from a step ladder while trying to retrieve her Bible from the loft and suffered a fatal head injury, Barry Diggler and Maurice Balls who were trampled to death in the rush to leave The Queens Arms, and three as yet unnamed members of the Fingering rugby team who committed ritual suicide on Fingering common. We also have a number of people reported missing at this time and our initial thoughts are that they too are on high with the Father, glory to the Lord for this most merciful of events.

The Baptist Fund online store is now selling ‘I survived the Fingering apocalypse 2016’ t-shirts, keyrings and mouse mats to commemorate this glorious time.

Praise be to the Lord.
Rev. Hands

Important announcement

There has been some talk among the congregation recently concerning the appointment of Chief Superintendent Maurice Pig to the Baptist Fund board of directors.
Rev. Hands would like to remind everyone that the Baptist Fund is a registered charity and runs on a strictly ‘not for profit’ basis.
Chief Superintendent Pig does not receive any financial reward for his services and performs his work for the Fund because of a deep love for his community.
Also the Reverend would like to point out that the news of Chief Superintendent Pig’s appointment coming on the same day that the Fingering Baptist Church was absolved of responsibility in the death of Maureen Battersby was purely coincidence.
Thank you for your understanding in this most sensitive of matters.

May Christ bless and keep us all.
Sandy Hands.

Fingering community ministry outreach project.

Last night the Fingering Community Ministry Outreach Project were in their usual spot behind the burger van, in the layby off the B128, between 10pm and 2am.

Rev. Hands and Mrs Slack were first to arrive

We managed to spread the Gospel far and wide that evening by ministering to a number of passers through and managed to bring more souls to Jesus, whose name is to be praised.
The team consisted of Rev, Hands, Deacon Bender, Deacon Beacon, Mrs Slack, Brenda Bender and Mrs Slacks golden retriever ‘Randy’.

Some highlights of the evening included Rev. Hands and Deacon Bender filling a young lady with the Holy Spirit, Brenda Bender spreading the Gospel to a group of exhausted taxi drivers and the most beautiful sight of Mrs Slack and Mrs Bender speaking in tongues while Deacon Beacon stood over them and cast out some demons.

The power of the Holy Spirit brings these passers-by to their knees while Rev. Hands performs the laying on of hands to a sick young lady

We would like to thank the local constabulary, as always, for their invaluable help, support and protection while we carry out our much needed street ministry all around Fingering and The Pettings.

“They will come in the streets and into my hands ” Jackson 19:92

Bible protocol

The leadership team have noticed a number of congregates are not bringing approved Baptist Fund Bibles into church. We would like to remind you all that only the official word of God, as approved by Christ in association with the Baptist Fund, will assure you a place in His heavenly realm.
Official Baptist Fund Bibles are available from the Baptist Fund book store for the special price of just £29.99 for a limited time only.
Please remember to fill out your Gift Aid donation forms.
Amen.
Deacon King

Juan Hands has been found.

Praise be to The Lord.
Following reports of his disappearance this morning Juan Hands has been returned safely to the home of Rev. and Mrs Hands.
It appears there was some confusion in our earlier reporting of events. Juan had not tunnelled out of the summer house as first thought, he had actually been captured by a terrorist cell of the Buffing on the Mound Pentecostal Church who tunnelled their way in and attempted to hold him to ransom to fund their village fete.
Juan was only saved by the brave efforts of Deacon Bender and his friends from the Little Petting Battle Re-enactment Society, with assistance from the Fingering under 21’s young mens Bible study group.
Rev. Hands was overjoyed to have Juan back home safe and sound. He said in a recently released statement;

I am overjoyed to have Juan back home safe and sound.

The Baptist Fund would like us to clarify that Juan was not locked in the summer house as any kind of punishment, rather he had requested a period of contemplative meditation to assist with his Bible studies.
The Baptist Fund would also urge residents of Fingering to resist the urge to exact revenge on the Buffing on the Mound Pentecostal Church for this minor infraction.

Blessings in His name.
Deacon Lee King

Urgent missing child appeal.

Rev. Peter Hands, and his wife Mrs Hands, would like to issue an urgent appeal for information regarding the where abouts of their foster son Juan.
Juan is twelve years old and was last seen four days ago when Rev. Hands locked him in the summer house as punishment for stealing a bag of crisps. He seems to have somehow tunnelled out since then and his whereabouts are now a mystery.
Rev. Hands is very anxious that he is found in time for tomorrow’s easter service.
The enclosed photo is not of Juan, but Rev. Hands ensures me that he does look a bit like that.

Getting to know our leadership team: Deacon Bender

John Bender moved to Fingering with his wife Brenda and two young daughters in 1996. At that time he had not yet allowed The Lord into his heart, but that was all to change following a chance encounter in a public toilet. Deacon Bender takes up the tale.

I was in The Queens Head one night watching a ladies charity darts match. At that time I was quite a heavy drinker, due to the despair and loneliness that was in my heart because I didn’t yet know His love. Anyway, I had gone into the gents to relieve myself when I heard a commotion coming from one of the cubicles. It’s was Rev. Peter Hands taking time out from his busy schedule to minister the word of The Lord to a poor misguided woman in a pub toilet on a Thursday night. Suddenly I was filled with an overwhelming realisation, as I stood there on the edge of that toilet bowl, peering into the top of that filthy cubicle watching this great man fill that wretched woman with His love I realised how empty my life had been up until this point. I spoke to Rev. Hands as he came out of the toilet and told him what had happened. I asked him to fill me with the spirit but he knew that I needed to be sure I was making the right choice. In fact it wasn’t until a few weeks later that I fell to my knees around the back of The Happy House Chinese takeaway and came to The Lord, but that’s a story for another day.

Deacon Bender is an active member of the church leadership team as well as holding a position on the board of directors of the Baptist Fund. He leads the men’s friday night prayer meetings, is a member of the Fingering Homeless People’s Programme, he’s an advisor on the Fingering Drug and Alcohol Support Scheme as well as assisting with the Sunday services and playing tambourine in the praise and worship group. I asked him if these commitments were ever a strain on his home life?

The Lord makes it perfectly clear in Deuteronomy 25. “When men fight with one another, and the wife of the one draws near to rescue her husband from the hand of him who is beating him, and puts out her hand and seizes him by the private parts, then you shall cut off her hand” (laughs). No my wife knows better by now than to stand between me and the Lords work, and since I’ve joined The Church she has enjoyed the benefits of The Fathers love too. The Lord has seen to it that his children are provided for on earth not only spirituality but in so many other ways. Hallelujah.

Deacon Bender enjoys fishing, model steam engines and WW1 battle re-enactment in his spare time.

Sissy Godsmack

Fingering Homeless People’s Programme update

Fingering Homeless People’s Programme went out onto the streets yesterday to spread Christ’s compassionate message by offering gifts of food and conversation to those less fortunate than ourselves. Fortunately, in the village of Fingering we don’t have any homeless people, so we had to travel to the nearby town of Burntwood before we had an opportunity to spread the Gospel. It was a most uncomfortable journey, with Rev. Hands, Deacon Bender and myself all squeezed into Mrs Slacks Mini, but we managed to arrive at our destination without spoiling the gifts of Pot Noodles and Cup’O’Soup that the congregation generously provided.
After a well earned skinny latte macchiato at Starbucks, we set off around town in the hope of finding some lost souls to bring to Christ. We soon chanced upon the unfortunate souls pictured above, with their poorly coordinated clothing and unkempt appearance, and Rev. Hands began to minister to them in the hope that they would accept Christ into their hearts.
After a brief breakdown in communication it became apparent that they weren’t willing to accept Jesus as their Lord and Saviour so we were unable to provide them with any food. One of them did offer us some very useful advice as we were leaving however, directing us to a part of town called the Annthuckya Cell, where we assumed we would find more homeless people to minister to. However it didn’t show up on our sat nav, so after stopping off at the local Porsche dealership so Rev. Hands could put a deposit down on his new car, we left the gifts of food on a local housing estate before heading back to Fingering. Unfortunately, in the closed confines of Mrs Slacks Mini, Deacon Bender managed to spill his yoghurt on the way home and that would explain the unfortunate stains on his trousers at Thursday nights prayer marathon.

Praise be to Him.
Eileen Cautious